That, um, didn't happen. Over a year into quarantine with COVID-19 still prevalent in the U.S., a new sex-free reality has settled in for many. And while some are undoubtedly still dating and hooking up (cue side-eye), the world certainly hasn't been this laced-up in some time.
About 40% of people surveyed reported less sexual activity during the pandemic, research from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found. For example, those having vaginal intercourse about once a week on average in 2019 reported doing so only about once a month in 2020. One big reason for lower libido is being stressed out — and the pandemic has added significant stressors to most all of our lives. (For the record, sex has been shown to reduce stress levels.)
For some, skipping sex has felt like a punishment. But for many others, abstinence in the service of social distancing has been an opportunity for self-love and growth. They've used this time to reframe what they want from their sex and romantic lives, change the ways they approach potential partners (if at all), and rediscover their own goals and desires.
We spoke to six people about what celibacy has taught them during this difficult time.
Celibate for: 11 months
"I had a brief fling with someone last [March] and it didn't work out. I was getting more interested, and he was getting less interested, it just fizzled out. I was offended, thinking, Don't you want to be quarantined with me?
"I've been celibate since. I’m really thinking about what I want to learn from this. That said, I have been so thirsty internally, honestly, and have been coping by being more open, and talking about it on social media. I was dreading the one-year anniversary of the last time I had sex. But I realized, that's all just me feeling caught up with needing to feel wanted. Like, Wow, I haven't kissed anyone deeply in a year, and I miss it! I do have fears about being celibate for so long though. But [my friends and I] are holding each other accountable. We're all in this pact.
"I have had some sext escapades, though, and that's exciting. It's a way to still have fun sexually while abstaining. I know when the pandemic ends, I want romance. I'm looking forward to more wholesome moments. I miss the first dates that I dreaded before the pandemic. But my first hook-up better be good — I don't want no mediocre sex after this dry spell."
Celibate for: 12 months
"My reasons for deciding to be celibate as the pandemic continues are complicated. As a kinky person, I've found that not being into open or poly relationships can be problematic or difficult. When you layer transitioning later in life into the formula, it's simple math — watch for long odds, but don't hold your breath and enjoy your own space. I also have never been one for casual sex or hookups.
"I don’t think being celibate has done anything to my dating outlook, which is maybe why sticking to it is easy. I would rather be single and sexually inactive than with someone who isn't a good partner. For me, abstaining is better than hating myself after sleeping with someone I don't really like.
"Also, I'm a stay-at-home-in-my-own-space sort of person who prefers to be writing, gaming, or playing guitar. When the pandemic started, I was already relatively isolated. I am feeling the itch, though, so when the pandemic is over, I think I will be more likely to get outside and make myself actively available for connection again."
Celibate for: 6 months
"Celibacy is a decision I made after getting out of a toxic relationship with my son's father, [who was also my first sexual partner]. That was a significant relationship in my life, so it's been a lot to work through.
"When I slept with other people [after the breakup], I didn’t have a positive experience and it brought me nothing but shame. I believe in soul ties, and that when you're intimate with someone, you’re interlocking your souls and transferring your energy between each other. I feel you can’t do that with just anyone. I gave myself to people who didn’t deserve me, and who didn't connect with me in those ways. Those relationships are what pushed me to choose not to be intimate, and instead build deeper, emotional connections rather than physical ones.
"The pandemic has been a part of this in obvious ways, and other ways, too. Because of social distancing, yes, but also because I’m a mom to a toddler and in school, so I'm incredibly busy. I'm meditating a lot these days, and have been focusing on myself. It's been a healthy change."
Celibate for: 15 months
"I can't say that I necessarily decided to be celibate, it just happened after a really bad breakup from someone I experienced abuse [from], and was very co-dependent with. After that, I felt like I needed to separate from everyone. The idea of merging my energy with any other person was more than I could handle. I've also become very spiritual. The next person I have sex with has to be special, someone who clicks with me in more ways than one. Celibacy forces you to embrace discernment. I no longer tolerate mistreatment, but value kindness and mutual respect.
"The most surprising thing is how easy it's been sticking to it. I don’t rely on sex for validation anymore, so sleeping with someone "just because" is no longer attractive to me. In abstaining, I've gained a clarity that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Even after the pandemic is over, I plan to continue my celibacy until I find someone [with whom] I feel safe and am willing to let my guard down."
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Celibate for: 12 months
"I have become hyper-aware of the risks of meeting new people in a pandemic, and it's made me very socially anxious. I see my celibacy as a choice rather than something imposed upon me. I'm proud I've been able to resist and haven’t met new people throughout this time. It's made me feel safer, and I'm a lot less anxious than I used to be — about the possibility of infection and dreadful small talk.
"Before, I was constantly chasing new relationships. Being unable to [do so] has made me comfortable with myself. It's allowed me to re-evaluate and journal the goals, needs, and values that I have for myself alone, and for a future relationship. I've adopted a new set of ethics around the pandemic, and [don't want to] infect someone just for the sake of a potential romantic interest. That’s not something I want to risk. It’s about being responsible for my health and that of the others in my life right now, rather than prioritizing something new, and probably temporary.
"Neither a relationship nor intimacy are even close to the top of my [current] priorities, but it has been hard. I do feel lonely, and I find myself perusing dating apps for comfort. I hate to admit it, but a lot of my friends have been continuing to hook up with new people and I feel myself judging them for it.
"Relationships feel far-fetched for me now and, I think, even when it’s safer, I won’t feel comfortable being intimate for a long while. I think I will have to relearn what I like and don’t like in a person, and find ways to interact with them that don't make me nervous, or find a way to cope with any new social anxiety I’ll have developed."
Ayesha, 30
Celibate for: 4 months
"At the start of this second year of the pandemic, I'm really into the 'if it doesn't feel as good as my solitude, I don't want it' thing. That and, you know, germs. I did date and go out during the first year of COVID, but [men I'd meet] would lie about where they’ve been, who they’ve been seeing, and weren’t safe. I just couldn’t take any chances, and I wanted to be able to see my family without worrying, so I changed things up for a while. I’m so happy I did.
"I can't remember the last time I was single, and just learning about me again. It feels so good. It took a while to get comfortable, because I'm really extroverted, but now it'll take a lot to get me to go out as often as I did before.
"I have no real plans to get back into sex or dating. Maybe in the summer, when socially distanced dates can be a thing again. But I can take care of my urges myself. I believe less in the idea of 'the one' now, because I’ve had all this time to reassess my dating history. I really just want to hook-up when this is all over, not jump into something serious. And besides, the market wasn't that promising to begin with!"
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