“You’re secretive about your savings.” This is what Emily’s* partner says to her when the subject of money comes up. They’ve never asked directly how much is in Emily’s bank account but the subtext is palpable. “When we’re talking about money, they allude to my savings,” she says. “When they met me, I was on the verge of buying a flat in London — but it fell through, so they know I have the funds. It’s an odd one because they earn almost double my salary, but they only just started saving properly and opened a savings account. So I have more in the bank than they do. I’ve been saving my whole life. I rent now, but I lived at home throughout my entire 20s, was frugal (I still am) and saved well.”
Discussing finances with anyone is rarely comfortable but with romantic partners the conversation can become even more charged. The expectation is that couples share everything. It would be idealistic to think we were all being completely transparent with each other, but how much transparency do we actually need? At both ends of the spectrum — having debt or having savings — people do conceal their financial realities from their partners. This is known as financial infidelity and it’s more common than you’d think. ClearScore, a credit score checker, shared research earlier this year showing that one in six British people have hidden debts from their partner, while 25% said they regularly hide purchases. Hiding money can have disastrous consequences on a relationship, eroding trust between a couple. According to the Building Societies Association, the most common reason why people hide their savings from their partner is to maintain “independence”, and women do this more often than men. The research also found that 48% of parents with children under 18 have a secret savings account, compared with 22% of child-free couples.
While 31-year-old Emily has erred on the side of privacy regarding her money, her partner hasn’t. “They were very transparent about having debt when we were dating — I knew a couple of dates in, and I respected it,” she says. “They’ve now paid this off and have learned from the situation.” Emily’s partner in turn respects her privacy but she’s sure they must “think about [her savings] from time to time”, especially when they discuss the future. “The other day I opened my banking app in front of them and without even thinking, I turned my phone away. They noticed and were like, ‘Is that because you don’t want me to see your savings?’” The answer is yes. Emily says she’s a realist. “I love my partner to pieces and they’re the first person I’ve ever seen a future with, but you never know what might happen down the line. I might need to move out and secure my own place. I might need to help out my parents. I wouldn’t want to explain myself to anyone. I’ve also grown up being told that it’s gauche to talk about money. That’s kind of sad, but I’d be lying if I said that this hasn’t shaped my way of thinking.” Once the couple is ready to buy a home, Emily says she will be upfront about her savings. She’ll also welcome having a joint bank account, but she’ll always have her own separate pot of money.
Beyond self-protection, some people are hiding their financial situations out of shame. Chloe*, 35, is in £5,000 worth of debt due to what she calls “fast living” in her 20s and isn’t sure how long it will take to clear it. She doesn’t want her partner to know about it until she’s paid it all off. “I’ve always had a weird thing about finances being private — particularly if they aren’t great,” she says. Growing up around people with generational wealth without coming from that background herself has affected her feelings about money. “I feel a lot of shame around finances as my friends have always had more than me (usually through family money). I got a scholarship to a top private school as a teen, and since then I’ve had an acute awareness of being in a much tighter financial situation than those around me.” Ironically, Chloe’s debt, while a lot of money to her, would be deemed “back pocket change” by her partner. He is financially better off (he earns double what she does). Chloe is confident he wouldn’t judge her but being in debt makes her feel insecure regardless. “It’s embarrassing, and hurts my pride,” she adds. Chloe doesn’t worry about her secrecy — at least for now. “I would never full-out lie to him but I brush the details under the carpet. He doesn’t know that each month I am paying back the consolidated debt. I view it the same as a credit card bill, but as a result my credit rating is terrible. I don’t see it as an issue and it would only be dicey if we decide to buy a home together.” She’s right. Once your finances are joined with another person’s — e.g. through a joint bank account — your individual credit scores can impact upon each other, for better or for worse. Prior to the point of formal financial union though, hiding details doesn’t come with such harsh literal consequences — only emotional ones.
What do we owe our partners, or ourselves, when it comes to financial disclosure? Liz Kelly, therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says that hiding debt, big purchases, gambling, assets or savings is financial infidelity. “Our feelings about money are often influenced by our values and how our families handled finances while we were growing up,” she says. “For example, suppose you were raised by a single parent who had difficulty making ends meet. You might now be very passionate about having an emergency fund as an adult.” It’s important to satisfy your own money choices and not lose them all within a relationship — just like anything else. For instance, wanting to help out family members financially is a cornerstone of collectivist cultures but it might create conflict with a partner who doesn’t have the same cultural background. Kelly says honest communication is vital when building financial goals as a couple. Easier said than done, we know. Individuals should also maintain financial freedom without jeopardizing shared goals. That’s the happy medium. If hurt within a relationship is caused by the topic of money, “the relationship will not be able to heal unless the partner who committed financial infidelity is fully accountable and recognizes that rebuilding trust may take a long time.” When money is at the crux of so much of what we do, dishonesty around it may feel irreparable.
Christina*, who is in her 40s, was a victim of financial infidelity. Her husband wanted a big wedding, which she didn’t see as a priority, especially as she had recently graduated at the time. “I was always practical about money since my father died when I was a teenager, so I like to be prepared financially for life’s curveballs,” she says. To her, that means staying comfortably out of the red. “I gave in to it because my husband was so excited about the planning process and it was important to my in-laws, who had visions of a big wedding. He gave every indication that having a big, expensive wedding was something he could easily afford.” After the wedding, her husband revealed that he was over $50,000 in debt. The revelation caused such mistrust that they nearly divorced. “It created a painful wedge in our marriage for a long time,” she adds. “We’ve worked hard to repair our relationship and now communicate well about finances, but it wasn’t easy.” Several law companies cite financial infidelity as a common reason for separation and divorce.
Coming back from financial infidelity needs teamwork but it also needs change on an individual level. Psychotherapist Caroline Plumer says that whether or not we are conscious of it, we all have a relationship with money. “The health of this relationship can vary wildly from person to person. It’s not just a means of meeting our basic needs (e.g. obtaining food and accommodation) but it can also represent freedom or status and inform how we view ourselves, particularly in relation to others.” We can’t untangle gender from the issue, especially when looking at heterosexual couples. “Historically, the man has acted as the financial provider,” Plumer says. “Many couples struggle to be comfortable with their new, countercultural roles. There are often disagreements in couples about what the ‘right’ way to spend money is. While one person may want to save and invest in their future, their partner may want to enjoy the here and now, knowing tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. It can be tricky enough to get the save-spend balance right for ourselves, let alone when we have to factor in someone else’s needs and wants.” If two people don’t see eye-to-eye on how to spend their money, a lack of transparency may seep in to avoid confrontation. In this case, Plumer recommends being “vulnerable rather than defensive” when the time does come to talk about it. More seriously, if any kind of abuse exists within the relationship — financial or otherwise — hiding savings is a matter of personal safety.
How a partner reacts when disclosing your financial status can be telling, too. Two weeks ago, Beth*, 26, got into a new relationship. She has £8,000 worth of debt, plus £11,000 of student loans (a debt that many of us have but fail to see as “real”). In the past, she’s kept these details secret from new romantic interests but decided this time that she would be open from the off. She wanted emotional support, and to be transparent. “It can feel pressurizing, especially when you want to go out on dates,” she says. The question of who will pay can be a source of anxiety. Beth has come to see her debt as “nothing to be ashamed of”. It’s simply a part of her life that one day will hopefully be gone. “I’ve been able to detach that from my identity, and whether or not the other person understands, that reflects upon them. I don’t see that as my problem.” This time, thankfully, her new boyfriend did understand. That’s a different kind of wealth.
*Name changed to protect identity
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
I Made Way More Money After Quitting My Job
Why Do Women Feel Bad When We Think About Money?
How To Uncouple Your Finances After A Separation
from Refinery29 https://ift.tt/7hPf6JL
via IFTTT
