Making your friend a lover can certainly seem very appealing. There's the satisfaction you'd feel after your friend finally turns around to look at you like that. You've already established closeness and intimacy, and the release of any sexual tension that's been building up for who knows how long can be a relief. It's romantic, confidence-boosting and sexy — and it certainly makes for a really great story.
But is it just that — a story? Does getting romantically involved with a friend really work in real life? While some people say that going from friends to something more creates an unbreakable foundation for a romantic relationship, others believe in the age-old concern that doing so might ruin the friendship — and that's more important than anything else.
Refinery29 spoke to 10 women about their experiences of going from friends to lovers, and what they learnt about love, sex and friendship along the way.
Anwyn (she/they), 23
"As a theatre and English literature major, I am absolutely in love with the friends-to-lovers trope. It’s been every example of a relationship, situationship, crush and friends with benefits that I’ve ever had. I think I love it for many reasons, including that you can trust that person more easily, you know they preemptively already care about you and respect your dignity/autonomy, and also because you see them regularly and are often in social spaces with them.
"Whilst it’s been good in that I’ve been able to retain the friendships with these people despite how it ends and love all the individuals deeply as mates, I’m also left feeling really sad because it didn’t eventuate into more of a serious or romantic connection. Because, at a certain point, the other person calls it [off] because they don’t want to lose our friendship, or I myself do the same.
"Recently, I heard some wise words from one of my best friends who told me that maybe my love for this trope isn’t actually the best way for me to be navigating love and sex. Maybe instead, I should try going for people who don’t see me just as a friend, first and foremost. It’s pretty hard in reality for friends to lovers to work because friendships are equally as important as lovers, and the boundary between them is more critical than I previously thought."
Bella (she/her), 23
"We were friends before we ever started dating, but he always felt like home to me. I always knew he loved me, but it took me a second to realise that I felt the same. As a teenager, I hadn’t learnt to associate those feelings — of safety and wanting to be with him all the time — with love. The moment I realized this was when he was driving me home one night. He was telling me about the time he broke his arm, and his dad drove him to the hospital. I had this distinct moment where I realized I didn’t want to miss him breaking a bone ever again. I wanted to be there for all of it — highs and lows.
"The beautiful thing about going from friends to lovers is even when you’re lovers, you’re still friends. You still want to hang out with them, hear from them, trust them, and believe in them. In my opinion, it’s the best way to do it. Something hard, though, is that over time, it’s easy to fall back into a habit of just being best friends — and you have to work hard to keep up the intimacy of lovers. But it’s a pretty lovely default to fall back on. Could definitely be worse. "
Sabrina (she/her), 24
"It all started happening very slowly. We were already good friends, but we started hanging out every day and, often, I would end up sleeping over because I didn't want to go home to face some things I was dealing with. It was all very gradual. It was a platonic sleepover to start, but over time, we would just inch a bit closer, and then all of a sudden we were secretly sleeping together. I never meant to fall for him. I didn't really think it would happen because I had a very 'I don't want to be in a relationship' mentality at the time. It was fun keeping it a secret, sneaking around.
"Then, all of a sudden it had almost been a year, and I was still confused about what I was feeling. He told me he loved me, but just 'not like that'. He actually hooked up with someone else soon after this. All of a sudden, I was left picking up the pieces of my broken heart while trying to navigate what I was feeling. Our friends still didn't know about us, and I had to listen to everyone talk about him and this new girl; it was so painful, and I still feel the mental health repercussions of it to this day. Now, even though he's still around a lot, I'm trying hard to make sure there's some more distance and boundaries between us."
Laura (she/her), 25
"I've been a little bit in love with one of my good friends for as long as I've known them. Not enough to distract me from dating other people or being interested in others, but it's always just lingering there in the background. The 'what if', the possibility — isn't that what makes all friend-to-lover experiences that little bit more exciting? It's often been a matter of timing. Whenever I'm in a relationship, she's not, and vice versa. But we've recently both become single and we've been playfully considering giving it a go.
"It's a bit weird because you often have to be a lot franker with a friend if you want something more, instead of that subtle insinuation you have with someone who is already a dating prospect from the start. We've giggled and fumbled a lot as we try to work it out, and every now and then, I'm struck with a fear that we'll mess it all up. Sometimes I think if it was meant to happen it would have ages ago. But I guess we'll see."
Siobhan (she/her), 27
"Trying to go from friends to lovers was one of the worst ideas I've ever had. It was just one of those situations where everything that made us good friends made us bad lovers. The way we used to playfully bicker and tease each other became actual fights. Going to the same parties and events every single week became frustrating instead of fun. What I learnt is that just because you might have sexual tension with someone, does not mean you'll work, or that you should actually pursue them. Sexual tension between friends is almost always gonna be there on some level if you're interested in each other's sex or gender, but more often than not, it's actually meant to just stay platonic."
Tam (she/her), 25
"I’ve known my current partner for 20 years now. We met in the first year of primary school and drifted in and out of friend circles for years. Towards the end of high school, she came into my close friend group as she was dating a best friend of mine. They broke up near graduation, and when we started seeing each other in 2020, things were pretty difficult, seeing as there was that history amongst my friend group. It was quite on and off at the start, and it was even harder for us to have space from each other when we decided to take a break, as we were still in the same friend group. Since the start of 2020, everyone has become much more comfortable with it and we officially started dating — and things have been great ever since. Although, it is tough to have space and do my own thing sometimes as we're always hanging out...!"
Sara (she/her), 26
"I was that girl who didn't realise she liked her friend as more than a friend until he got into a serious relationship with someone else. There were many months of pining, tears and jealousy until they split (I swear I had nothing to do with it), and after a while, I decided to shoot my shot. We honestly had a great time together as more than friends. I can count it as one of the better relationships I've ever had. But it ultimately just didn't work — I don't know if it was because we were friends first or if it just wasn't meant to be, but it wasn't right.
"I sometimes think I only sparked my attraction to him because he had become off-limits, and I wonder if it still would've happened if things had been different. I'm not a friends with your ex kind of girl, so no, we're not friends anymore. But I'm honestly okay with that. I think people come in and out of your life for different reasons and in different roles. Our time was just up (in more ways than one) but I'm ultimately grateful for the experience."
Liv (she/her), 24
"Despite everyone in our lives suggesting we get together for so many years, we just didn't see it at the time. We had kissed once when we were teenagers but happily left it at that for almost a decade. We fell in love with other people over the years and just lived our lives as friends. I can't even describe how it happened, honestly. One day, when we were finally both single, we just turned around and saw it.
"And I thank God that we were friends first. Not only is it just a great story with a really satisfying ending, but we've been communicating for so many years that we're really good at it now. He understands my history and my patterns super well without needing an explanation. I will say that it can be sad not to feel like we're really learning anything new about each other the way other couples might, and we fell into serious marriage-like couple status pretty quickly, so we didn't get that spark-filled stage as much. But we got the ultimate end result and I'm so fine with that."
Amelia (she/her), 29
"My friend and I gave it a go romantically a few years ago, but it didn't end up working out. We'd both felt so much pressure from our friends to get together because we work well in so many ways. We partly got together because we were just curious to see what it would be like, and also because we just wanted everyone to leave us alone! But as is the way in any relationship (I think, especially when you're friends first), don't just get together with someone simply because it seems like a good idea to everyone else. Your relationships aren't meant to only please other people. Luckily, we're still friends now (though we had to take a year-long hiatus after our fling ended to give each other some space), but it could've gone much worse. While I don't regret it, I wouldn't do it again."
Brie (she/her), 36
"I was friends with my partner for a couple of years before I realized that, actually, I wanted more than friendship. So I told him that and asked him out! We were not super close friends — we followed each other on socials and occasionally chatted there and caught up for drinks or dinner. I think our not being super close is what made the move from pals to partners easier. The hardest part was needing to adjust my perspective of him as I got to know him more intimately. Some of that was surprising but mostly it was great. We’ll celebrate four years together later this year, so I think it's fair to say things went pretty well!"
Nikki (she/her), 25
"We've been friends since we were five years old. As we got older, we started having on-and-off flings over the years. I always thought, even before we were dating, that we were twin flames. We started sleeping together during COVID lockdowns, but I never thought I would end up with him. I never thought I was actually interested, but we caught feelings fast. It was a difficult transition because we had been friends for so long, and were cautious of ruining it and how it may affect our friends (as we're in the same friend group).
"It was difficult because we knew we wanted to be with each other but also that it would be a serious commitment to each other because of our history. But, we made it work. Our love now is super intense and super passionate. It’s a deep love that is built on strong foundations of knowledge and understanding. I’ve never loved anyone this much. Complete and utter devotion. I am so thankful and grateful for it."
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