Growing up, I watched a ton of Mexican telenovelas with my abuelita, or, as my family calls her, my Yaya. Side by side, we’d sit on the couch, eagerly tuned into the television to find out whether William Levy’s character would be the knight in shining armor Marichuy needed in Cuidado con el ángel. The overdramatized, all-consuming depiction of romance was one that stuck with me throughout my adolescence.
If you’re not familiar with novelas, most of them boil down to simple science: girl feels lost or unfulfilled with life, girl has a chance encounter with a boy, boy turns her world upside down, the two reach a peak of conflict, it’s resolved in a manner that leaves them both realizing they can’t live without each other, and then they make up, living the rest of their time together happily ever after. Watching the sappy dramatics play out on my TV, I felt that I, like the Latinas I saw on the screen, was destined to enter into a fiery, passionate relationship with (often toxic) twists and turns that would rock my world — and should settle for no less, and aspire for no more.
I wasn’t the only one who received this messaging. So much of how we view love stems from popular culture. And in Latin America and the Caribbean (and those in the U.S. who share origins in these regions), romance is tied to reckless passion and gendered duties that rely on women’s self-sacrifice and undying loyalty — often at our own expense.
So instead of defining romance by the blazing soap-opera love I watched with my grandmother, I recently turned to her for answers instead. Twenty years ago, she lost the love of her life: my abuelo. Although I don’t remember him much, I’ve felt his presence because of Yaya’s anecdotes about their romance cuando eran joven. She never remarried. “No me interesa,” she says. “Estoy bien.” In these words, I realize how my abuelita has lived it all — the ups and downs of love — and came out on the other side, loving herself and those around her.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I set out to talk with 10 Latine grandmothers (mine included) across the world to share what they’ve learned about love throughout their lifetime, their advice to younger generations, and how they would best describe true love.
“Love is without interest. Don’t focus on whether someone has a lot of money or other material things. It’s when you look at someone, and you know that is your person — without anything external. When it’s real love, you can feel it. It’s not being with the first person you start dating because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else. Go out and meet different people. When you find your ideal match, you feel it in your heart. There will be a person that you know is the one you want to choose to spend life with. It will make you feel luminous.”
“Mija, love can do everything. [My husband] taught me to love more than the mistakes and fears. Love is helping and giving each other a hand at all times. Love arrives just in time and does things right, without mistreating. Love is so great that one person alone cannot stay with it. You have to share it because the more you give, the more you receive. We gave each other so much love that from that love 15 children were born.”
“No woman should ever let themselves be humiliated by a man. If there is love, there needs to be respect. If there is love, you should confront problems together. I didn’t have that chance because I didn’t have a partner like that. It was a different life. If I could do things over again, I would have married for love. I think I wouldn’t have suffered as much. There are times that parents make their children marry early because they don’t understand and they don’t give them the chance to get to know each other. ”
“Don’t rush. Do things calmly and think with your head, not with your heart. Go slowly.”
Betzaida Lebrón, 62
“True love is appreciating everything without any contempt. Sharing with family their happiness and their sadness. It’s helping each other.”
Ana Andujar, 84
“The only way to describe true love is through friendship and unconditional love. Where the eyes sparkle and you can’t stop looking and admiring the person, that is true love. But the biggest lesson I’ve learned is not to trust just anyone, because you never really get to know anyone at 100%. If I could go back, I would have walked away from people who didn’t love as hard as I did.”
Victoria Vargas de Gomez, 81
“True love is really beautiful. It is precious and divine. When I knew I found the person I was going to marry, we already had respect for one another and we made sure not to lose it. My husband has passed, but I still respect him as if he were alive. I had a lot of kids, and when I had the last one, my husband said, “Prepare yourself, because we won’t be having any more kids and we’re going to enjoy life, just you and I.” We went to parties, we went to Santiago, and we would go to hotels. I had a husband who gave me everything. Sometimes there were little problems happening, but we resolved them. Love is really good because wherever there is love, there is everything. Where there is love, there is surplus of everything else. If you have a small little plant and you have love for it, it’s going to flower."
“If there is romance, love feels stronger. You can enjoy it more. I wouldn’t change anything in my relationship. It’s not always easy. There are difficult moments, but if there is real love, you have to overcome it. It’s not easy reaching so many years of marriage, but we got there. When you form a relationship that you think is heading to marriage, think it through carefully. For those who are single, know that you don’t need a partner for happiness. When you find someone who really gets you, then you can decide to get married.”
Leonor Gonzalez, 82
“Don’t let anyone ever get to the point where they put a hand on you. Don’t let yourself be hit by anyone. The first time they do it, they will continue to do so. It’s a lack of respect. Communication is so important.”
“To stay together with [my husband] for this long and put up with the other for this amount of time is not easy without love. One thing I am sure of is I got married for love. … I would advise people to think a lot before getting married. I got married and we had nothing. We lived in a studio we rented for 28 years. When I got married we had dated for eight months. I got married thinking of becoming a mother and having kids. My dream was to get married, have a home, and have kids. We struggled a lot but thanks to God we won.”
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