Trigger warning: This article references domestic violence.
“There’s a term in the polyamorous community called ‘polysaturation.’ It means you have reached the number of relationships you can manage,” Randi from Texas tells me during our interview. Randi is married, and has multiple romantic partners. “My husband believes that everyone is born polyamorous, and that some people are saturated with no partners, some are saturated with just one, and some with multiple.”
After our call, this comment stuck with me because it implies that our hearts exist on a spectrum — a spectrum that’s inclusive of the person who lives their life solo, the person with multiple partners, and the person married with kids. And yet, as far as we’ve come in 2024, society still tends to point to just one of these as the norm.
“I’m in my mid-late 30s. In the midwest, everyone’s married with a gazillion kids at this age,” says G of Michigan, who is in a committed relationship with someone whom she does not plan to marry. “There’s this expectation that at a certain age, you should be doing certain things.”
The feeling of social pressure to meet certain relationship criteria and follow certain relationship trajectories is felt by so many, even when we know these criteria are imperfect — the divorce rate is 42%, and 60% of marriages are predicted to fail, according to the CDC.
It’s clear some of us are seeking something different. According to a study by R29 Intelligence, 73% of 500 Gen Z and Millennials across the US said that when it comes to a serious partnership, they are open to something more non-traditional, like not living with their partner, never getting married, or having multiple partners.
Despite the social pressure, relationships are not a one-size-fits-all — and that’s a beautiful thing. We spoke to four R29 audience members who’ve chosen to follow their own path.
Editors’ note: contributors have been anonymized to protect their identity.
Randi, 37, she/they, married and polyamorous
My husband and I have been married for seven years. I live with him and my meta (my husband’s girlfriend). I’m very fortunate in that she and I have a great relationship; I consider her one of my closest friends. When my husband first started to date her, I had to work through a bit of jealousy. But I knew that she wasn’t going to hurt him, and I knew she wasn’t out to hurt me. So eventually I started to feel compersion, which is sort of the opposite of jealousy. It’s the feeling of joy in witnessing someone else’s love. That’s what I felt. There was joy in watching my husband go through those early stages of love. To see him glowing.
I have three partners aside from my husband, each of whom I’m building deeper connections with. When I first knew I was in love with multiple people at once, I thought I was a bad person for it. Like, why can’t you choose? Why are you not satisfied with one? Now, I feel like it is a disservice to a partner to expect them to fulfill all of your wants, needs, and desires. I think it’s more realistic to be fulfilled by multiple people. I do acknowledge that that’s not for everyone, but I firmly believe that I was born to love multiple people.
What I’ve always said to people who are new to the concept of non-monogamy is: You love your family members, yes? You love your friends, yes? If you have room in your heart to love multiple people, why not multiple partners?
G, 36, she/her, not living with partner by choice
Four years ago I got Covid, and I was home and bored so I downloaded Tinder. I was actually watching the presidential debate when I came across my partner’s profile. I messaged him, and we ended up chit chatting throughout that whole debate. We met in person a week later after my quarantine. We have been together ever since.
Our relationship might not be considered traditional because we have no intention of getting married and no intention of living together. I was married once before, and it was an abusive relationship. I also witnessed a lot of domestic violence growing up. I’ve been through a lot of trauma therapy, and now, I have a good job, and I’m at a place in my life where I don’t want to rely on someone else.
This relationship works for me because I get to have a lot more control than I ever had. We’re supportive of each other’s goals, and yet we have our own personhood. We’re able to pursue our own interests and when we come together, we can really be in the moment with each other. We really appreciate that time together.
SJ, 27, they/them, non-committed by choice and open to polyamory
My partner and I met online in December but didn’t actually hang out until February. We both have heavy work schedules and I travel a lot. Neither of us were looking for anything serious and communicated that to each other from the beginning. We aren’t exclusive, so when it comes to sleeping with other people we always tell each other and we always use protection and get tested afterwards. We don’t need to share the specifics; it’s more about being honest and transparent and being safe from a health perspective.
I think when it comes to a committed relationship, there is this expectation that you need to allocate more time to that person. In my current relationship, it almost feels like where ‘family’ is — like, I owe you some of my time, but not as much as I might with a committed partner. Sometimes we go a week without talking, and that’s fine.
When it comes to relationships, I’m very lovey, I’m very affectionate, but I’ve also always been someone who needs my own space. In a weird way, my birth chart was sort of like therapy: it helped me understand why I am the way I am. I have this very significant Sagittarius placement that essentially means I am someone who needs a lot of freedom and a lot of space in a relationship. And I always did feel like I needed space — not because I wanted my partner to go away, but because I felt smothered otherwise. My most successful relationship prior to this was a long-distance one.
There are definitely misconceptions about our relationship. Some people think I’m settling or they call it a “situationship.” But this isn’t a situationship because there are no lies, and I’m not settling because I’m choosing this.
Katie, 30, she/her, common law marriage
My partner and I met in college senior year. We’ve been together for nine years. We cohabitate, but we aren’t legally married. In Colorado, we are considered common-law. Ultimately, our mindset is, “Well, I’m not in a rush, you’re not in a rush, we’ll get there when we get there.” But we also don’t see marriage as an endpoint. We both come from families where relationships have been a bit more nontraditional. My parents were together for 25 years and weren’t married, and his parents have been re-married.
Turning 30 kind of made our relationship status stick out more, because so many people are married at this point. Really, it’s only when other people react to it that it’s top of mind to me. There have been times when I’ve been at the nail salon and said something like, “Oh yea, my mother-in-law goes here,” and they’re like, “Well, I don’t see a ring!”
I think a lot of the judgment comes from the language that is used. Saying “my boyfriend” sounds almost infantilizing, or like we haven’t been together for that long. But at the same time, if we say “husband,” people are like, “you’re not married!” So we’ve settled that “partner” feels like the best term.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
from Refinery29 https://ift.tt/I84AkQ9
via IFTTT
